I was reading a friend's blog and she went back in time and wrote down her birth story with her son who is now 4. So I figured I had better do this with Jackson before I forget. With all that happened on his birth day, I never wrote down many details. And I certainly don't want to forget any. This is mostly for me, as a journal.
Ever since Jan. 2011 when my 20 week ultrasound found a problem, I had been seeing a specialist, and also seeing my regular OB. Once April hit, about 30 weeks along I started having more appointments than I ever imagined. Our goal was to deliver at 37 weeks, in a controlled environment. We didn't want any surprises from this baby and didn't want him delivered in Logan. That would have guaranteed a helicopter ride. I got to chose his birthday(well chose from 3 days)-I chose May 26th and looked forward to this day.
The first of May I started having bi-weekly appointments. Which actually was 3 appointments a week. I was seeing my regular OB twice a week and the specialist once a week. I felt good having 2 doctors monitoring me, because 4 eyes are better than 2 eyes, right? I would have 2 non-stress tests each week and 2 ultrasounds a week. One ultrasound at my OB office and a higher tech one with the specialist. They were watching closely to make sure Jax wasn't stressed in any way or carrying too much fluid. Either one would result in immediate delivery. Each week he passed both tests with flying colors. Always perfectly active and with the perfect amount of amniotic fluid. My stress level was high during these last few weeks. I was instructed to monitor and count his kicks frequently. Any decrease in movement and I should be at the hospital. I worried about this daily. Had he moved the 10 times in the hour like he was suppose to? Or was I just busy with something else and hadn't noticed them? I ended up at my Dr.s office a couple of times with false alarms but better safe than sorry.
May 16, 2011
10 days until delivery. Although when I woke up this Monday morning I had this feeling that I wouldn't make it 10 more days. I felt like this was the end and that Baby should be delivered soon. At my last ultrasound the dr. mentioned that his upper bowel was stretched to the size of an adults and that made me very nervous. I was very interested to see what the Dr. said and to see if my feelings were justified. I/He passed the stress test with flying colors. Then onto the ultrasound with the specialist. I had gotten quite familiar with these ultrasounds and what to look for. They divided my uterus(?) into 4 quadrants and measured the amniotic fluid in each quadrant. The fluid level was suppose to be between 10 and 20. Anything higher or lower was dangerous. This day I watched the screen like a hawk. The first quadrant measure high...and kept high all through the final 3 quadrants. My fluid level was at 28! The Dr. wasn't in the room at this point, just the ultrasound tech. And even worse, Neil hadn't arrived from work. The specialist I saw as ALWAYS 1-2 hours behind schedule so I had told Neil to not come until I called him. I called him right as they called me back for the ultrasound but he hadn't arrived up to this point. The tech left to get the Doctor and I sent Neil a mass of texts (since I didn't have enough reception to call him) that said "pretty sure we're delivering tomorrow." "Carrying to much amniotic fluid." As soon as the Dr. came in and saw this he turned to me and asked "Are you ready to have this baby?" I was. I felt peace about this decision and knew it was time. Delivery was scheduled for the next day, Tuesday May 17 at the University of Utah. They predicted his weight at between 6 and 7 pounds. A little chunker!
Before finding out about any problems I had discussed and decided, along with my OB's support, to try a VBAC(vaginal birth after Cesarean.) I didn't want another C-Section. With needing to deliver at 35 weeks 6 days, plans changed a bit. I was told that I could still try a VBAC but that chances of having a successful VBAC when being induced, went down and the odds of having another C-section goes up. My doctor checked my cervix and just like I predicted, completely closed. No action in the bullpen. I felt like a C-section was the way to go. For my sake as well as Jacksons. My emotional state was very sketchy as it was and I didn't think 24+ hours of intense labor would help anything. I chose a C-section and felt good about it.
Neil and I came home and packed like crazy people. I had no idea what to pack and what to take. At this point we didn't know the diagnosis of our baby. He may only need to be there a week. Or maybe a month. I packed a little of everything but even packed a coming home outfit for Jackson, in hopes that I would be bringing him home that week.
Neil and his dad gave me a blessing that night. I am forever grateful for that. I was promised peace and comfort and the thing that stood out the most to me....I was promised the strength it would take to nurse my baby back to health. I have remembered that promise so many times when it gets hard and I don't think I can take one more day of it.
I wasn't allowed to eat after midnight so I tried to make the most of my last meal. Pizza and an oreo shake from Charlies. Then to bed with hopes of sleeping soundly. No such luck. I slept for a couple of hours and then wide awake for the rest of the night. Awake with worry but also awake with excitement. I would get to meet my baby boy in the morning. I didn't think morning could come fast enough. Finally it was 5 am and I felt like I could take a shower now and start getting ready without it being too early. We had to leave Logan by 6:30 am to be at the U by 8. We of course hit traffic (have you ever tried to drive near Primary Children's or the U at 8 am? Disaster). I couldn't believe the day was finally here. I had Neil snap one final picture of my belly before we left. I had to distract myself so I would cry as I left my first baby, Carter, and didn't know when I'd see him again.
Last picture before I delivered. Look at that belly. I was huge and I knew it. I was carrying around a lot of extra fluid and it was showing at this point. My face was puffy and my poor, poor nose. I only gained about 25 pounds but that belly sure doesn't show that!
We arrived late at the hospital but no one was too worried about it. After all, they couldn't start without us. I was prepped in my room and got my IV started and hooked up to to the monitors. Baby still doing fine. I was having some semi-consistent contractions though. I couldn't feel them but saw them on the monitor. It made me wonder, if circumstances were different, how long it wouldn't have been until my body had gone into labor by itself. My Dr., coming from Ogden was late (not a big shocker). He finally made it and we were ready to get the show on the road.
I was a little nervous at this point. I had a C-section with Carter but it was under semi-emergency circumstances and so I was put under general anesthesia for the C-section. Just lay on the table, slip some meds into my IV and hours later, I was awake and a mom. This time was totally different. I was awake. Much to my horror, Neil wasn't allowed inside the OR until AFTER my spinal block. This was the part I was most nervous about. I didn't have an epidural or spinal with carter. This was a first. One of the nice nurses let me bear hug her while they put the spinal in. I was trying not to shake with nervousness while they placed it. You know what, I hardly felt it. A little pinch and it was over. The numbness started almost immediately. They had to help me lay down. Such a weird feeling to not be able to feel anything below your chest. I kept trying to move my legs, just to see if I could. I could not. Don't worry. I started to feel really queasy and kind of like I was dying(or what I imagined the door of death to feel like). They finally let Neil in the OR and he came in to see my blood pressure 60/40. So my feelings of dying were justified. They quickly gave me some meds to increase my BP and that helped a little. It was so uncomfortable lying there on my back with all that pressure sitting on my stomach. I kept asking Neil for updates and kept trying to not throw up. My BP kept dropping but they were quick to keep the meds coming. They had to put an oxygen mask on my face but that made things worse. Breathing that hot, sticky air made me sicker. Finally we compromised and they put the mask to the side of my mouth so I could still get some, but not feel like it was suffocating me.
Finally they got to the point where they were ready to make the last incision and pull baby out. It had been about 20 minutes at this point, although it felt like an eternity. With Carter, because of my condition, from the first cut, to delivery was less than 2 minutes. So having a C-section last 20+ minutes seemed extra long. I was getting very anxious at this point and kept reminding Neil to have the camera ready because I knew there wouldn't be much time to snap a picture.
11:46 am Jackson is finally born. They warned Neil right before they pulled him out and held him up like this so Neil could snap one picture and then he was gone. He didn't cry while in the room with us. I heard a gurgle from him but that's all. They whisked him right away. It killed me that I didn't get to see him in person. Neil showed me the one picture he took but that's all I got.
Here is the nurse passing him through the window into the NICU. The U has a wonderful NICU and the plan was to keep him there, until stable and then transport him over to Primarys. The nurses and Dr. kept promising that the NICU would update me as soon as they knew anything and keep me posted. Waiting for any news was torture. I tried to relax as they stitched me up because this was the first time during the surgery I felt like I could breathe normally and my BP was creeping back up. I kept asking the nurses if they'd heard anything yet but they hadn't. Neil was good to try and distract me by saying things such as "holy crap, your whole uterus is sitting outside your stomach." "And some of your other insides!" What a sweet guy!
We didn't hear anything the rest of the short time in the OR. They stitched me up and sent me to my room. Still no news on baby yet. This really scared me. It had almost been an hour and we'd heard nothing. Finally I made the nurse call the NICU for an update. Anything. She called and they told her to send Neil down to the nursery. Apparently there had been some miscommunication and they were waiting for us to call them. I sent Neil with the camera and his phone and threatened his life if he didn't take lots of pictures and if he didn't text me right away with what was going on. Over an hour later I finally got a text from Neil with a picture of my sweet baby.
This is the first picture I got of him but Neil forgot to find out all his stats. Finally I learned that he was little guy 6 lbs 4 oz and 18 inches long. I did learn that they had to pump a whole pound of fluid out of his little tummy. He wasn't passing anything through. But the best news came that he was completely stable and breathing entirely on his own. The only thing he needed was an Anderson tube in his nose, going to his stomach to suck out everything. Spit, air, etc. He didn't get anything in his stomach since he was obstructed.
After learning my baby was ok and getting pics of Neil holding him and such I was anxious to get down there and see him. I kept asking when I could go and I kept getting different answers. One nurse said 12 hours from time of surgery.....I did not accept this answer. That was ridiculous. Then finally I found the perfect nurse and she said I could head over as soon as I had feeling back in my legs and could stand up and take a few steps. I was very anxious for my spinal to wear off and to get up on my feet.
Then I got a text from Neil saying they were ready to transport Jax to Primary Children's since he was stable. I was glad he was able to go so early but sad that I wouldn't get to see him at the U. My legs were still numb and they weren't willing to wheel my whole bed anywhere.
Much to my surprise, the life flight transfer crew was an answer to my prayers. They brought my baby to see me on their way out of the hospital. The 2 women transporting him said that since he was so stable, and I was so close, they would stop at my room on their way and let me meet and hold my baby. Bless their hearts. What a wonderful blessing as I wouldn't get to hold my baby again for several days after that.
He snuggled right up and we were in love! I kept looking at how perfect he looked. Minus the tube in his mouth he certainly didn't look like there was anything wrong with him. He looked so....normal. The life flight crew said I could have 10 minutes with him but it really turned out to be about 5 minutes. But I will never forget those 5 minutes. I think they helped me get through a very hard week. They put him back in his cart and took him away, with Neil following.
After he left I was more determined to get out of there and over to Primary Children's since they were going to start doing tests, xray etc and determine when surgery was. I was only getting info through Neil through text messages and that wasn't fast enough. Once Jax was settled over at Primary's, Neil came back to bring me back. The nurse said I had to stand up and walk. It had now been about 18 hours since I'd eaten anything and they'd only let me have ice chips so far. So as I stood up the first time I almost threw up. I quickly sat down and tried to compose myself. Neil said that maybe I'd better rest a while longer. Because, throwing up right after having your stomach opened up, does not feel good and does not help your recovery. But I tried again and did it just fine. I transferred myself over to a wheelchair and away we went over to primary's. That wheelchair and the long hallway and I got to know each other very well over the next 4 days. I was back and forth about a dozen times a day.
I would stay over at Jax's bedside until I became too dizzy or weak. Because of all the fluid I was carrying my blood was diluted in half which caused me to be really weak and dizzy. Plus I had to pump about a million times a day. My recovery was quick and I had very little pain. I was so grateful to be able to focus my energy on Jax and not on my recovery. By day 4 I was walking myself down that long hall and said goodbye to the wheelchair.
Day 4 was one of the hardest days of my life. Checking out of the hospital was much harder and more emotional than I ever imagined. It was the first day I had to return to real life. Real life without my baby. It didn't really hit me until that day.......My baby was really sick and I was leaving without him. Before it was easier when we were both in the hospital...apart nonetheless, but still both in the hospital. I cried almost the entire day and could barely talk to anyone for fear of breaking down. My first moments outside the hospital were spent at Home Depot with my sister in law. And to put the cherry on top of that crappy, crappy day, a man came up to me in the aisle at HD and said "seeing you pregnant reminds me that I need to buy a baby gate for our stairs!"
This man was very lucky that I was stable and still on medication. I was able to laugh it off and it didn't really bother me. I couldn't help but think that if I had been able to bring my baby home with me, no one would have asked me that. They would have been able to see that I had a post baby belly. It sure makes for a good laugh now though!
What a ride that day and week were. A very hard week but a very special week.
The first thing they moved was the back float. We have been unable to get Carter to float on his back or even lay down in the bathtub. The first day his poor little eyes were wide with terror and he was clinging to his teacher, hanging on for dear life. Now he can float on his back (although it still freaks him out a bit). He actually doesn't mind floating on his back until the day came where the teacher let go of him and wanted him to float alone. But he has made such great progress in that area.
The first thing they moved was the back float. We have been unable to get Carter to float on his back or even lay down in the bathtub. The first day his poor little eyes were wide with terror and he was clinging to his teacher, hanging on for dear life. Now he can float on his back (although it still freaks him out a bit). He actually doesn't mind floating on his back until the day came where the teacher let go of him and wanted him to float alone. But he has made such great progress in that area.
He will now swim with his face underwater where before he kept his head above and tried to doggy paddle. He actually likes to do bobs in the water now.
He does reach his limit at swimming lessons though. I feel bad for him and part of me wants to scoop him up and never make him do something that scares him ever again. But then the rational part of me knows its good for him. Very good for him.
To make sure none of his skills are forgotten, Carter will proudly show me all of his moves in the bathtub now. The front float, with face fully submerged.
And the back float. He's actually fine floating on his back in the bathtub since he knows he can't sink!
The first day he got fitted for a new helmet, skis and boots. The man at the shop, who was very nice, was initially helping him. Carter got a little overwhelmed so we stepped in and took over the fittings.
Neil was so patient with him.
