I received this article last week and thought how perfectly it fit my life right now.
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It’s just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away...because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.
--The End
I'm really trying to focus on the positives of our situation although the negatives, and why us do creep in. Why my baby? How come I don't get to take my baby home like everyone else? Why does my teeny baby have to have major surgery? It stinks sometimes living in a 600 sq ft basement apt. It stinks not having everything from your home. It really stinks leaving your baby at the hospital each night with strangers. It stinks leaving your 2 year old and having him cry. It stinks to hear Carter say "I want to go to my Logan home." It stinks not being able to fix my baby. It stinks having breakdowns in Walmart.....:)
But then when I think about "Holland" I realize: How much closer this experience has brought me to my husband. How much time we've spent together and how we've had to rely on each other more than ever. We have a special little boy brought to our family and he has a Heavenly Father who loves him more than we do, and there is a reason for this. His spirit is very strong. I'm relying more on my Savior than ever before and learning wonderful lessons. How much we truly love our 2 boys and how we'd do anything for them. We're learning a lot and for that we are grateful. I'm grateful for a 600 sq ft. apt that allows me to be only 5 minutes from the hospital. I'm grateful for parents and in-laws who lovingly watch Carter. I'm grateful for wonderful bosses who allow Neil to work from SLC and be here with me. I'm grateful for those strangers who lovingly take care of my baby and are becoming good friends. I'm grateful for the blessings of the gospel and for my Savior who can take some of this burden. And I"m especially grateful that my husband isn't embarrassed by his wife who cries at random times!
5 comments:
Bring on the Kleenex, your blog had me tearing up. I am soo sorry for what you are having to go through Amanda, but it amazes me how poxitive you seem to be. Times can be hard at times, but you have to think there is some kind of reason for it. Whether it is for you and your immediate family or in-law or the people that come in contact with you and your family through working with your baby. What ever the reason is, keep your head high and know that it will all be over soon. We send our love, and keep smiling!
I loved the Holland story the first time I heard it and I'm glad to know that it has helped you. I was also glad to know that you do have a few breakdowns! I was beginning to think that you were Superwoman and that there was something wrong with me for feeling sad about Jackson and Carter and your situation. You and Neil are incredibly strong and I know that you'll all get through this together and will be so glad for all these experiences that make you stronger and bring you closer to each other. Thanks for trusting us with Carter. I love every minute I get to spend with him. But I'll sure be glad when he gets to be back with Mommy and Daddy full-time and I can just visit all of you in Salt Lake.
Love you and miss you. Looking forward to our next SL visit.
Wow... I've never heard the Holland story. Thank you for sharing it. You're an inspiration. That has to be so hard, the situation you are in. I'd breakdown at random times too! I do anyway! I really hope this will all be over soon and you guys can finally go home! Hang in there and know you're in our prayers. Lots of love!
Your blog made me cry too. What a great story- it can apply to so many situations in life. I feel so sad that you guys have to endure this hardship in life right now, too. I think about you all everyday and wish it wasn't happening, but perhaps the blessings will far outweigh the negatives and you'll look back and not want it to have happened any other way.
You have amazed me too with your strength and positive attitude. Jax and Carter are very lucky to have such amazing parents. We pray for you all everyday. You are a wonderful example to all of us.
And just think- your house will seem like a mansion after staying in that tiny apartment! :) love ya!
Oh- and break downs in wal mart are totally normal!
hi, megan here, just putting in my 2cents. i've always loved the holland story as it is so true in many aspects of life!
your little guys is just darling, he looks blonde?! you are very fortunate to be in such a good facility for his care.
when our baby P was diagnosed with a cleft, i set about learning and along the way met many mothers of babies with clefts. one of them told me "along this path of surgeries and such, you will see sides of yourself and your husband that you didn't know existed, it will make you both stronger and bring you both closer together"
It sounds like that is ringing true for your family--and i'm glad to hear it from yet another source!
many prayers for his continued progress and your return to "normal"
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