365 days

365 days ago my life changed forever.  For good and for bad.  But mostly good.  My heart grew 2 sizes as I welcomed my baby boy to this earth.  I didn't even know if we would ever celebrate his 1st birthday.

It was such a happy day and such a heartbreaking day, all in one.  My sweet baby, born with a broken body.  A condition that has no cure, no days off, and what seems to be no relief.  While his body is somewhat broken, his spirit and determination are not.  He was a fighter, and still is a fighter.  He has endured more in his 365 days then most of us will in a lifetime.  And yet he still smiles, still laughs, and still fights.

At first the burden I carried seemed too large.  Too heavy.  How could we (Jax specifically) be asked to bear such a heavy burden?  If I can teach Jackson one thing, and one thing only I hope to teach him what I believe, know to be true.  He doesn't have to carry this burden alone.  He doesn't even have to carry all of the burden himself.  He has a loving Savior who will shoulder most of the burden if we let him.

The past 365 days have been so hard but so great.  We have seen miracle after miracle.  I've always believed in miracles.  After Jax was born I prayed for a miracle.  Prayed for the miracle of healing.  I knew the Lord could heal him from his broken body completely.  But he didn't.  And he won't.  I've come to accept that.  My favorite Conference talk of all time is called "But If Not...."  Basically stating that we will have faith that things will turn out how we want.  But If Not......carry on, still believing.  We are carrying on and recognizing all the miracles that have come our way.  And they have been plentiful.

I found a poem a little while ago that says perfectly what I would like to say.

I Still Would Have Chosen You

If before you were born, I could have gone to Heaven and saw all the beautiful souls, I still would have chosen you.

If God had told me, "this soul will one day need extra care and needs", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me, "that one day this soul may make my heart bleed", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me, "this soul would make me question the depth of my faith", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me, "this soul would make tears flow from my eyes that would overflow a river", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me, "our time spent together here on earth could be short", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me, "this soul may one day make me witness overbearing suffering", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me, "all that you know to be normal would drastically change", I still would have chosen you...

Of course, even though I would have chosen you, I know it was God who chose me for you...

Happy Birthday to the sweetest little boy I know.  I am so grateful to be your mommy and to be by your side through all of this.  I am so thankful that the Lord allowed you to be apart of our earthly family and to have you in our lives.  We will always love you!

You started out as 6 lbs 4 ounces of pure cuteness....

                               

Now weighing in at 19 lbs 6 ounces of pure cuteness.

Here's to Many Many More Birthdays!